diff --git a/constants.js b/constants.js
index e3be3ac..2d0407b 100644
--- a/constants.js
+++ b/constants.js
@@ -1426,47 +1426,47 @@ const newsBuildingCountText = {
   ],
   county: [
     [
-      state => "\"Obviously,\" says an unfazed governor, \"we didn't really need that many counties. No need to worry."
+      state => "\"Obviously,\" says an unfazed governor, \"we didn't really need that many counties. No need to worry.\""
     ]
   ],
   state: [
     [
-      state => "State munch"
+      state => "\"Obviously,\" says an unfazed governor, \"we were planning to move the capital to " + macroDesc.name + "'s digestive tract all along. No need to worry.\""
     ]
   ],
   country: [
     [
-      state => "Country munch"
+      state => "State governor realizes the entire country got ate; sources report that he is \"mildly fazed\"."
     ]
   ],
   continent: [
     [
-      state => "Continent munch"
+      state => "Tonight at 11: Multiple reports from Australia that the continent \"ƃoʇ qloopʎ ɐʇǝ\". Why? Our experts weigh in."
     ]
   ],
   planet: [
     [
-      state => "Planet munch"
+      state => "The Earth has been eaten. Everyone on it has been eaten."
     ]
   ],
   "solar-system": [
     [
-      state => "Solar system munch"
+      state => "Scientists propose new \"" + macroDesc.name + " unit\" to replace the outdated Astronomical Unit."
     ]
   ],
   galaxy: [
     [
-      state => "Galaxy munch"
+      state => "\"Please stop telling us that this is Star Vores\", pleads an exasperated news anchor. \"We know.\""
     ]
   ],
   universe: [
     [
-      state => "Universe munch"
+      state => "Decades of scientific speculation have been abruptly resolved by the Big " + macroDesc.name + " Theory."
     ]
   ],
   multiverse: [
     [
-      state => "Multiverse munch"
+      state => "BIG munch"
     ]
   ],